I’ve been an admirable public transportation rider for the past several years and I think that it’s fair to say that the imaginary peer-to-peer review system that I just created in my head would also rate me quite highly.

Oh, screw you, asshole.

Sorry, this isn’t about me as a public transportation rider. This is about us. And I know that by adding these 5 subway cars, we can take our collective experience to a whole new level.

1. First Class Cars

The First Class Car is everything you would want it to be. But here’s the real beauty of it; you can’t buy your way onto it. You have to earn a place by frequently riding the subway, and just as important, by not being a giant douchebag (more on this later).

Okay, so I’m thinking that maybe for every 10 hours you’ve accumulated riding public transportation–without any citations of some kind–you can upgrade for a round-trip on the First Class Car.

Here are just a few of the things you can expect to find on the FCC.

So, yea, this is probably the best train out there for frequent riders of public transportation. Let’s take a look at the rest of our fleet.

2. Douchebags

On the flip-side of the First Class Car is the Douchebag Train. And this train exists purely for those incredibly disrespectful jackasses you have to put up with on your commute. And, yes, that layout is correct; there are no windows and just one door.

I also just decided that we’re going to put some big ol’ banners on it.

I know what those d-bag riders are thinking right about now:

Yea, but what happens when I tell you that this train has a strobe light? A strooooobe liiiiiight.

FINE. Kevin is on this train. This is now Kevin’s train.

That’s Kevin. And Kevin just so happens to be a kangaroo with a short fuse and a history of violence.

And one last thing, Kevin THRIVES off of fear. He eats that shit for breakfast.

3. Strollers

Bringing a stroller on the subway is no easy task. You’re basically the “Z” in a carbon based life form version of Tetris.

And is it just me or are strollers nowadays like one windshield wiper away from having to be registered with the DMV? Let’s treat them as such and basically turn a subway car into a moving parking garage for all the strollers.

Honestly, guys, I don’t know what else to say other than that this train just makes perfect sense to me.

4. Tourist Trap

Tourists are wildcards when it comes to public transportation. While I’ll say that most tourists generally seem to have some idea of what they’re doing, there are a handful that just have absolutely no idea as to what the frack is going on.

I don’t blame those kinds of tourists. I mean, it is kind of weird when certain lines have 4 completely different outbound endings like it’s a goddamn choose-your-own-adventure book within itself, and then those lines split and converge at a multitude of points while magically turning into express trains at the whim of the Subway God.

So let’s do this, let’s have one subway car not connected to any other cars, and let’s dedicate it solely for tourist use only. We’ll even hire a person to deal with all those tourist-y questions about the pub trans system.

God bless that person.

5. #PartyCar

**only operational on Friday and Saturday nights**

Public transportation can get pretty lively on “going out nights” when all you want to do is get home after a 12 hour work shift, where (name redacted (J/K, it’s Carol)) was being a giant pain in the ass. So let’s funnel all those belligerent and energetic people onto one train.

The vibe of #PartyCar is basically a club thats gone mobile. And to keep things #OMGAmazing and #ThatShitCray for the kids, at a random point each night, that “SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!” song will play and a dance party will breakout and everyone gets shots because #PartyCar.

Also, confetti.